Happy Get Fucked Day!

This post is similar to my last one, Happy Fuck With People Day, only different. Funny how I got both April Fool’s Day and Tax Day- on April Fool’s you fuck with people and on tax day you get fucked by people. To me, neither day is any fun.

So I’m saying fuck that to both days, and am going to write about fucking yourself. So much more fun.

Some erotica readers share with others, reading with or to someone else, hopefully resulting in a fucking good time. Wow, there is a lot of the word fuck in this post.

But some erotica readers keep their stories to themselves, for a quick, alone, personal read that hopefully, if the author has done their job correctly, leads to the reader reading one-handed. As a writer of such one-handed reads, I definitely want to encourage the practice, so today I am writing about the pros and cons of fucking yourself.

For the men- frequent sessions flush out your pipes, so to speak. It is rumored to help prevent prostate issues, including cancer. So for the health of all men, ’cause we love you guys- flush early and flush often. If your significant other catches ya, just say it’s better for you than flossing, and you are keeping yourself up as a well oiled machine for years of future stress free maintenance.

Actually that goes for everyone- the old adage holds true, use it or lose it. Keep the machinery well maintained and in proper working order. Your muscles, your fluids, all moving and non moving parts need to be maintained. Consider it preventative maintenance- like an oil change, but fun.

Practice makes perfect. How do you get good at anything? Try it. And try again. Especially the women out there. Orgasms feel different with fingers than with toys. They feel different depending on the toy. Or riding in the car with a tight jean seam vibrating just right. Or riding the, umm, arm of the couch. What? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t say that! Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but ahem, I can speak for myself. So try, see if the same holds true for you. Or prove me wrong, either way. Only one way to find out 🙂

Orgasms release feel-good hormones, making you healthier. And making you, well…feel good.

Can’t get pregnant or STD’s either, it relieves stress and can help you sleep better. It’s been known to help with menstrual cramps and sometimes if you have a headache, it helps with that too. Except migraines. Nothing helps those bitches.

No waking up the next morning thinking “Oh my God, who are you?” No beer goggle effect, and hey- with masturbation hopefully you like the one you’re with.

And damn it, it’s just fun.

Cons- there aren’t any!

Well except my personal cons, you can pull something. Just see my earlier masturbation injury post. Or not, that’s just embarrassing. And every damn once in a while, it actually gives headaches. So treat it like exercise- don’t hold your breath, maybe do a few stretches first? Warm things up a bit before trying multiple toys in multiple places while hanging from the ceiling? Not that I’ve tried that one, alone. Just saying.

So when tax day gets you all stressed and sleepless… Or when someone tells you to go fuck yourself…Go ahead! And thank them for the suggestion, that will really freak them out.

Any other benefits you can think of? Or masturbation horror stories? I love horror stories!

Oh, to those who like the taboo PI stuff, sampling new authors, great deals and lots of sex really, really cheap-

There is a new box set out you should totally check out. Shameless plug, ’cause it is also the first multi-author set that I’ve personally had the honor to be a part of. But, it is only the first of many, we have another in the works for next month, too.

Twelve authors writing hot, cheap taboo shorts. Find it here:

Click to go to the Amazon page
Click to go to the Amazon page

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Happy Fuck With People Day!

Hi, my name is Jamie Klaire, and I am a buzz kill.

Welcome to my least favorite ‘holiday.’ I hate April Fool’s Day, with a passion. I hated it as a kid, when my mom would get me good. I hated it as a teen, when she made my sister cry- all I remember is that it had to do with cats. I hated it as a mom, when my then 6-8 ish year old would spend the day saying things like, “Hey mom, the sky is green. April Fool’s! Hey mom, my arm fell off. April Fools!” She is older now, and has a more mature brain, but I still hate it.

It just seems so mean. Someone posted a five-minute video on Facebook this winter. A guy arrived early to his kid’s school for pick up. It was in a snowy town and where he was parked had a perfect view of an icy spot on the sidewalk, so every single kid who walked over it slid and fell down. He videoed it. image

I watched all of 60 seconds before I turned it off. I wanted to go warn these kids, some of whom looked like they hit their heads on the sidewalk. His commentary could be heard- “Here comes another unsuspecting kid, let’s watch…Oh down he goes!” I’ve slipped on ice, that shit hurts. I’ve comforted my child when she ran inside after busting her ass on the driveway. I get that some people think it’s hilarious, but I couldn’t watch it.

I’m trying to remember the cat one that made my sister cry. All I can think of is both extremes- either telling her that her cat died, April Fools! Or maybe it’s that she could finally have one? Oh wait, April Fools! So mean.

I lack the fuck with people gene that my mom and my daughter have. My daughter loves to fuck with people. Her greatest desire right now is to be an actress on the “What Would You Do?” TV show. And she would be great!

She loves it when the whole family gets together for dinner out, because after we eat she gets to take her toddler cousin outside so his parents can at least finish a meal in peace. She loves, and I mean LOVES IN ALL CAPS to pretend he is hers. She’s 12.

I was behind her once as she handed the baby to his dad saying, “There’s your daddy.” It didn’t register until after I had walked away but I heard the table we were passing mumble, “Well, his mommy doesn’t even look old enough to count!”

I’ve asked her, “Don’t you mind knowing everyone in here thinks you had a baby at 12?” Her answer, “I’ve been told I look 15.” And that’s better? “Why don’t you say, ‘He’s my cousin, you perv?'” “Because I like to mess with people.”

My mom and my sister totally get it, and find it quite funny. I would be yelling as I walked by, “I’m taking MY COUSIN outside now, take your time eating I want to play with him.”

When I was younger my mom was a foster parent, and she specialized in hard to place, special needs babies. 99% were black babies from drug addicts and prostitutes who said they made the most money when hugely pregnant. We are about as white/Polish as you can get. We’d all be at a store and she would be obviously watched by security. When the guy would come over and ask ,”Where’d you get that baby?” I’d think, please mom, just say he’s a foster baby. She’d say instead, “Where do you think? Didn’t your parents ever teach you about sex?”

I get now that it was a funny reaction to rude people, but as a child I was mortified.

So I hate practical jokes, and I hate April Fools Day. But I’m writing a character right now who pulled one on her boyfriend. It’s not out yet, but her boyfriend is trying his hand at growing vegetables in the back yard, and he sprinkled “Miracle Grow” on his garden. So my character went to the grocery store, bought full size versions of all the veggies he had just planted, and she stuck them in the dirt that night.

The next morning, 24 hours after the Miracle Grow application, he looks out back and sees a full, lush garden from the window and rushes out. She laughingly follows behind him and watches as he sees all the grocery store stickers she forgot to take off. She throws her arms out, laughing and saying, “It’s a miracle!” He laughs and they do it right there in the grass.

Where did I get the idea? My mom did that to my dad when he was going through a phase where he would come home from work and go check on the garden before even saying hello to her. There’s another one in the book too, based on real life, but I’m only giving you one right here.

I hate April Fool’s but I adore Halloween, no one really believes you are who you dress up as. I guess that’s the difference? You aren’t really fooling anyone?

One of the things I like about the pen name Jamie Klaire is that the initials are JK. Just Kidding! Fooled you! Jamie Klaire isn’t my really name hahaha!

So maybe I have a little of the fuck with people gene? Just not a mean gene? I can write practical jokes into my character’s personality but not be a joker myself? Makes sense, I write PI and I don’t do my relatives. I write all kinds of stuff I don’t really do. Some things I’ve written I have done though, I’ll leave it up to you to decide which, reader’s choice.

So how about you? Love April Fool’s or hate it?