Category: erotica

Only A Few Days Left To Grab Jenny’s Books For $0.99!

The sexy-as-sin Claimed By The Cowboys $0.99 sale end January 1st, go grab it now before it goes back to full price!

Click the cover to get it at $0.99 for a limited time!
Click the cover to get it at $0.99 for a limited time!
Also, Jenny Klaire’s new release- Cowboys In January- is available for pre-order at $0.99, the price on it will go up to $3.99 sometime in the first week of January, so get your copy while it’s cheap!
Click the cover to pre-order it at $0.99!
Click the cover to pre-order it at $0.99!

Happy Sexy New Year From Jenny Klaire!

Open Wide!

So, since I never remember to post in here, like ever, I refuse to have my first post in forever be a bitchy, whiny, ‘Amazon has turned into a shitstorm for me’ post.

Instead, I will post about how excited I am to begin the journey of re-learning how to go wide with my books. What does going wide mean? It means I am slowly pulling my books out of Amazon’s exclusive Kindle Unlimited program.

My stuff will still be sold on Amazon, but those who pay their ten bucks to ‘borrow’ my books in KU soon won’t be able to. But, as an old dog who hates learning new tricks, it’s been kind of hard.

old-dog-new-trick_2-2

As my older books expire from KU, instead of re-enrolling them I’m re-working them. Updating, slapping a new cover on, and pimping them out to every sales platform that will take me.

What’s the point of this post, you ask? I mean, besides being able to use that cool dog sketch? The point is- my first new trick, wide title is live!! Tada!!

Click To Buy!
Click To Buy!

If you click the cover, and I did it right, you should be taken to a Universal Link where you can choose which retailer you want to give your money to to try my first and only ‘Select Your Own Seduction’ attempt. Warning- do not even try to refer to it as a Ch*ose Y*ur Own Adv*nture book, as the original Ch*ose Y*ur Own Adv*nture people DO NOT APPRECIATE THAT AT ALL! Ask me how I know this, lol.

In addition to actually updating this blog, I even updated the website! I know, right? WWW.JKlaireRomance.com has that same cool, universal link that you should get sent to when you click on my pretty new cover. Which I’ll also just leave right here as well, just in case: Get Choices Here.

I believe it’s still linking stores to it, cause last I checked the only store that you can’t get to from that link is All Romance eBooks. You can get the book at All Romance eBooks, it’s just that you can’t choose them yet from that button. You should be able to soon tho.

How’s all that for new tricks? More tricks coming soon!

Happy Veteran’s Day

Today is a holiday here in the states. Veteran’s Day.

I’ve heard the occasional person ask what the difference is between Veteran’s Day, today, and Memorial Day, in May.

Both holidays celebrate those brave men and women who serve in the military, but the easiest way I know how to explain the difference is- Memorial Day is a day for remembering fallen military. Whether they died in combat, serving their country, or died peacefully in their beds of old age, many, many moons after serving their country, Memorial Day is for them.

Veteran’s Day is to honor those who are still serving, or who have served, who are still with us.

I’ve always been a bit of a sap when it comes to those willing to lay their life on the line for what they believe. I tried to enlist, even. My scores were great, but it seems no one wanted someone who fainted as easily as I do. What? It’s the south. We’re known for our ‘vapors,’ lol.

As an erotica writer, who deals with what is and isn’t acceptable to publish on various sites, who hears phrases like, ‘freedom of speech’ bandied about daily, this day effects us personally.

We are lucky to have the freedom of speech, the freedom to assemble, the freedom… well, the freedom to do damn near anything.

Look around at the rest of the world.

These are freedoms not everyone has.

These are freedoms men and women, young and old, have fought for. Fought life and limb for. So that among many other things, we can write and read what we want.

Granted, it isn’t perfect. Nothing is. But damn it, we have it a hell of a lot better than some. And it is because of those who have gone before us. Period.

I’m not offering you any free reads today. I’m not going to try to sell you anything today.

I am going to ask though, that you take just a few seconds, left or right, conservative or liberal, for or against military, hell, for or against the USA, and give this holiday a little bit of thought.

Enjoy your day off if you’ve got it. But take a second to think about the why behind the holiday.

That’s all I’ve got. Have a great day. Enjoy your freedoms, they didn’t come cheap.

Secrets

Secrets, we all have them.

Things we don’t want anyone else to know.

Things we keep to ourselves, to protect us, to protect others. Big, small, silly, heartbreaking, secrets run the gamut. Some we’d be better off sharing, exposing to the light. Some, not so much.

So what do you do when you need to tell your secret? To someone, anyone? Sometimes just saying it out loud helps. Hearing your own words, aimed at your reflection in the mirror, aimed at a higher power, aimed at the dog.

Sometimes we tell a stranger, which is often so much easier than telling someone we love. Sometimes we tell the whole damn world, by way of the internet, things that the one sitting beside you on the couch still doesn’t know even as you type it beside them.

Secrets about why we read what we read, why we write what we write. Things that almost slip off the tongue, but that are caught instead, and swallowed back down.

When I was young, I wanted the ability to read minds as a super power. As I’ve gotten older, I realized that it wouldn’t be a super power, it would be a curse. Now, I’d pick flying. Sometimes, with the top down on a nice day, the music blaring, driving a bit faster than I should, I come close.

And yet when you come home, windblown, exhilarated, your secret is still a secret, because wherever you go, there you are.

Postsecret.com Where secrets are told for one week, and then disappear forever.

Postsecretarchive.com Where some, but not all collect.

I mailed one, once. And I watched the website. It never showed up, maybe the mailman took it home, or I missed the week it sat there, exposed.

Totally unrelated, honestly- Alpha Bitten, my first shifter short, is free through today, Tuesday 10/14, on Amazon.

Free 10/10-10/14
Free 10/10-10/14

Happy Birthday To Meeeeeee!

I started this Jamie Klaire pen name in September of 2013, and just did my closing numbers on September 2014. This name is officially a year old!

So, to mark the occasion, I thought I’d post what will probably be my last number post. I haven’t been great about doing them, but I thought I’d mark the end of my first year with them, for prosperity’s sake.

Ok, a full one year recap-
Sept 2013- 43 titles sold
Oct 2013- 33 titles sold
Nov 2013- 43 titles sold
Dec 2013- 41 titles sold
Jan 2014- 29 titles sold
Feb 2014- 79 titles sold
March 2014- 113 titles sold
April 2014- 131 titles sold
May 2014- 293 titles sold
June 2014- 631 titles sold
July 2014- 1513 titles sold (Kindle Unlimited came out mid July)
August 2014- 4168 titles sold
September 2014- 7546 titles sold and my one year anniversary

for a grand one year total of 14,663 titles sold!

Unfortunately, since the roll out of Kindle Unlimited, it is no longer easy math to just take titles sold, multiply by 2, and have my aprox cash amount. Although, since it didnt roll out until mid July, up through July it does still come damn close.

Even though multiplying by 2 is no longer valid for August, September and on, since the Kindle Unlimited program pot is split between all authors in the program, it varies wildy now month to month. But I will say that so far, fingers crossed, it has not dropped under multiplying titles sold by $1.50.

If things continue, I am hoping to quit my other job around the first of the year and become a full-time smut peddler.

Also, another really freaking cool thing that happened in September, during my pen name’s birthday month: due to hooking up with some other fabulous authors and bundling our work together into super cheap bundles, Jamie Klaire hit the top 100 Erotica Authors List on Amazon. So cool!

http://www.naughtylistbooks.com helped make it all happen, sign up with them to get awesome erotica deals daily.

Guess What? No One Gives A Fuck!

Ok, so I’ve been at this self-publishing thing for about a year now, and I figured I’d share my wealth of knowledge. Here is everything I’ve learned, in no particular order:

NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!image

Yep, that’s it, guys. Thanks for reading, see ya back here in two weeks.

But seriously, some of the things I have learned:

You should always put your click-able Table of Contents at the beginning of your book, of course. Duh!

And, you should never put your Table of Contents at the beginning of your book, because when readers hit “Look Inside,” they should be able to jump right into the story, getting hooked, so they buy. Besides, if anyone wants to use your Table of Contents, they can always just click on it on their device.

(But in reality, once they are done looking at your book, they don’t really give a fuck.)

You should always have reviews and an excerpt in your blurb. How else is anyone going to know how good you are at first glance?

And you should never have reviews or an excerpt in your blurb, cause that irritates the hell out of people.

(Really? The placement of reviews is going to determine my entire career? Umm, nope. No one really gives a fuck.)

You should always have a small summary at the beginning of your book, so people who downloaded you months ago can be reminded very quickly of what your story is about when they get around to actually reading it.

And you should never do that, cause again, it irritates the hell out of people.

(Say it with me guys, who gives a fuck?)

You should definitely put your book in Kindle Select, because that is where the money is. And you should never put your book in Kindle Select, because you are leaving money on the table by not having your book available at B&N, Kobo, etc.

(And again.)

You should totally write pseudo-incest, because that genre is swimming in cash. But you should never write pseudo-incest, because it creeps people out, and no one will carry your book.

(You know the drill.)

I’ll stop, although I could go on FOREVER. The whole thing reminds me of that guy who finally wrote the manual on understanding women- it was blank. Here’s the thing- everyone is different, and you can’t please everyone.

I frequent a writer’s forum that is a wonderful mix of authors, in many different genres, all helping, learning from and fighting with each other. It’s awesome 99% of the time, although people do get testy. But even that is fun to watch.

Anyway, the other day someone asked one of those, ‘how do you get out of a slump when nothing is going right, and you can’t even give your book away for free because life sucks?’ kind of questions. I tried to help, by giving her my way of looking at things, but I think it just made her day worse. She responded to everyone else’s answer except mine. Oops. 🙂

I knew it was a risk to answer her the way I did, and I struggled with hitting ‘post,’ cause I am a people-pleaser at heart. But I truly wanted to help.

So here it is: (the word fuck wasn’t in the original post, because of their censors, but this version is how I really felt)

“Just know you are in good company. Everyone gets that way. And, this is either going to be very freeing or very harsh, but NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.

Telling myself those words breaks me out of my slumps.

I mean it in the very freeing way, not the harsh way. I don’t do harsh, I am the least harsh person on the planet. So, if there are two ways to take anything I say, take it the well-meaning way. I learned this early, thank God. I’m trying to teach it to my teen as well. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.

That huge zit you fixate on when you look in the mirror, not seeing how awesome the rest of you is? No one else cares. They are just grateful they don’t have one. They probably don’t even see it. They see you, not the zit. Or they think, wow, sucky zit, and then they move the fuck on. You are not the center of anyone’s universe.

When your hair does that weird thing? Pull it back, no one else gives a shit, honest.

My favorite author waited five years, FIVE YEARS, to release a new book. Guess what? I don’t care. I’ll read it.

If this is my last post ever, and ya’ll never hear from me again, guess what? You won’t even notice. Nope, not suicidal. Nothing scary here, I promise. Just odd 🙂 Just a ‘we are all ants on this tiny little planet’ observation.

What the writer next to you does, doesn’t effect you! Their 250,000th sale, doesn’t effect you. Wait, is that effect or affect? Guess what, beyond the 2.2 seconds someone thinks ‘it should be the other one,’ no one gives a fuck.

Everyone cares about themselves. And that can either hurt, or open the entire universe up to your fingertips. (I choose the second one)

My kiddo heads off to face her day, depressed that her face is redder than normal. I tell her, you guessed it, no one cares. They are your friends, or your enemies, but no one cares if your face is redder than normal. They love you or hate you as is, regardless. Your red face won’t change anyone’s opinion.

Write what you want, revel in the sadness when you need to, revel in the joy when you can. Some will love you, some won’t. The ups and downs are inevitable.

Rant and commiserate. We do care. We feel your pain, not cause it’s happening to you, specifically. Hell, we don’t even know ‘you’. But cause we get it, we understand, cause it happens to us. No one looks closer at your successes or failures than you do. No one looks closer at my successes or failures than I do, cause guess what? Yep, you don’t care.

Run with that. Don’t write if you don’t want. Take a day off, take a year off. No one cares but you. Do what makes you happy. Write what and when you want to. Those that love you will find you. But not if you aren’t out there.

I write porn for God’s sake. No one cares if I ever put out another book. I will never be a bestseller, I will never change the world, I will never win an award, but I am happy, writing what makes me happy. If I stop being happy writing porn, you won’t care. If I go get a job at McDonald’s, you won’t notice. The world will rotate just fine, no matter what I do.

And guess what? Everything will be fine, no matter how it turns out!

Ten years from now you won’t remember what today felt like. You’ll either have ten years of work published, or you won’t.

That is so freeing to me. If I don’t hit ‘post’ you’ll never know I wrote this. If I do, some will take it the way I intended- as freeing and awesome, and some will think I’m an ass. But I can’t control that. So I carry on, making me happy.

So make you happy. People will buy your work, or they won’t. You can not control the sales numbers, you can only do what you can do. So let it go.

I know people hate the cliche, but it is what it is. You can not control the world, your sales, what others think about you, or damn near anything.

So be you. Write you. Be depressed when you feel depressed. Cry at weddings, laugh at funerals. Drink too much, be bitter when you must. What is that other cliche? You can only be you- every one else is taken. But revel in it, cause there will never be another you, not ever.

So write what you want, what makes you happy, cause no one else can. This knowledge gets me out of the slumps. I hope I just made your day better, not worse. I promise, better was my intent.”

That is what I’ve learned about self-publishing. It is a lot like life- no one gives a fuck about you, but you. I mean that on the grander scale, of course. I love my child, I do. Very much. But do I give a shit if she grows up to become a doctor or a bar tender? Nope, don’t give a fuck. I’ll love her and be there for her either way. It’s her life, not mine.

I’ve found that there are two kinds of people that emerge once they realize that in the grand scheme of things, they don’t really matter- those who find that terrifying, and those who find it freeing.

I find it freeing. Cemeteries are full of people who lived, loved, cried, laughed, tried to make a mark on the world, lost children, lost jobs, were happy, were miserable, were human. But do we, now, really give a shit? Nope, we care about us, now.

Free on Amazon, today only June 24.
Free on Amazon, today only June 24.
One hundred, five hundred, a million years from now, no one will give a shit if I wrote a book. Or not. Or even know my name. And I love that! It gets rid of the self-imposed microscope we think we live under, allowing me to do whatever I want, knowing that whatever I choose- no one else gives a fuck, but me.

So live your life, for you, cause you guessed it- I don’t give a fuck.
Oh, Shared 3- Our Anniversary is out now.
And Occupied! is free, today June 24, only, if you give a fuck.

“I’m So Tired Of Fluffing, I Wan’t A Damn Hard Dick.”

My family is very open, and kind of weird, about sex. Well, let me rephrase that. The females in my family are very open, and kind of weird, about sex. The men just roll their eyes and put up with us.

My kid is probably the most informed teen ever, in regards to sex, because I answer anything and everything she asks. And I tell it like it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, as age appropriately as I can, and I always have.

She told me a story recently about the few minutes after dance class, changing in the locker room at school, where someone asked something about tampons. She pitched in an answer. One thing led to another, and before she knew it she had the entire dance class enthralled as she taught an impromptu sex-ed class, dispelling myths, clearing up rumors, and teaching a few biological things they don’t cover in the ‘your body will go through changes’ type crap they teach in school right now.

Now she is still a young teen, and has never had sex, but the questions were basic, like ‘if you use tampons, are you no longer a virgin?’ and ‘if inserting a tampon doesn’t feel either good or bad, then how is sex, which is kinda similar on the insertion issue, supposed to feel good?’ Both questions we had already covered, because she felt confident enough to ask me.

I was proud, but scared at the same time. The last thing I need right now is a phone call from her principal, especially in today’s sue-happy, zero tolerance times where little boys get suspended for saying pew-pew with their finger guns.

At the other end of the age swing- my mom was married to my dad for decades. She married him at 17, and he was her only partner, until he died. She is now in her 60’s, and for a few years now she has been living life kind of backwards. Her wild 20’s and college-age experiments are occurring now, in her 60’s, since she was married during her actual 20’s.

I honestly feel like I’m mothering both of them, talking to them both about men, sex and dating, only my mother’s conversations are way more graphic, as she is most definitely trying to make up for lost time.

So, it was a conversation with my mom that actually brings me to this blog post. She was venting to me about the dating scene as a woman in her 60’s (who has, since dad’s passing, dated men ranging from younger than me [oh God, so very creepy] to those in her own age group.)

I’ll spare you the graphic details, but her general gist was- do it as much as possible while you still can, because even with Viagra, sex after a certain age is hard. Well, I guess I should say- sex after a certain age is difficult, because it seems that not hard is the problem.

She made me laugh when she said, “I am so tired of fluffing. I want a damn hard dick.”

She said that even after taking the pills, and “fluffing and blowing to some semblance of hardness,” they still usually can’t finish. Which led her rant towards “I no longer care if people think whoever I’m with is my kid because of the age difference, I’m going back to the young ones. At least they are eager, willing and can actually fuck.”

Then she lamented that as women find their groove, no longer worrying about pregnancy, they get the kids moved out and wanna get down to dirty business, and men slow down and can’t keep up. She closed the rant with “Sex is so wasted on the young, impatient and unknowledgeable.”

But, having the young, impatient and unknowledgeable in my life as well, in the form of the a fore mentioned teen, and personally remembering those days, as well as also being in a loving, happy marital situation myself, and seeing the full range of sexual phases spread out all around me- I told her my thoughts.

Sex is a cruel joke.

Very generalized- in your teens and twenties, when the hormones and the need are the strongest, you have to worry about your parents finding out, inexperience and not ‘doing it right’, not knowing your body, possibly not knowing how to orgasm as a female, learning to please yourself and the other partner, getting pregnant too young, being seen as a good girl or a slut, diseases that not only can grind your reproductive system to a halt, forever, but can also kill you.

Then, between say your thirties to your sixties, ish, generally- you are either married, having faithful, boring married sex, or trying to bring the spark back, while raising time-and-energy-sucks called children. Gone is the rush (and thankfully also the stress) of the first kiss, the first time, the first naked, the learning each other, the ‘of course I’m up for anything, baby.’

Or in this same time period, you are never-married singles, or newly divorced, trying to navigate the dating world, where everyone has baggage- exes, kids, etc., to work around. The bar scene sucks, internet dating sucks, it’s Sex In The City for real, heartbreak, confusion, highs and lows, but still with the ever present sex-can-kill-you threat always looming.

Want to do the hot UPS guy? Probably not a good idea in real life, damn it. Wanna try that threesome-swinger’s bar-orgy you see in porn? Also probably not a great idea. Diseases, stalkers, ‘oh fuck’ moments are way too possible.

And then in your 60’s and on, well mom’s words said it all, “I want a hard dick, damn it.”

Sex is a cruel, minefield strewn, game of Russian Roulette, at every age. The highest possible erotic, pleasurable highs, matched by the equal and opposite, possibly devastating, most life-changing emotional and physical lows imaginable.

Which I think is one reason computer porn sites and erotic books are so very popular. Granted the high highs aren’t quite as high as if you experienced the video/story yourself, but neither are the lowest lows.

Somehow this whole thought process made me remember that one scene in Demolition Man, with Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock. Remember that? It was set in the future, where procreation was relegated to the lab, and sex was had with virtual helmets?

His reaction was WTF? Where is the hands-on? The old fashioned doing the dirty? And her reaction was Oh gross! Exchanging bodily fluids?

Now I’m a big believer in the sweatier the better. If you aren’t sore, exhausted, hot and sweaty, with just fucked bed-head hair and a glowing sheen to your panting bodies, collapsed on each other, recovering in a pile- you aren’t doing it right.

But I’m also very married, with kids. So I got to thinking- if that machine existed now, and you all know it is just a matter of time before it does, would I buy one?

Yep, I’d one-click-buy that baby in a second! Not the dual one in the movie, where you both sit near each other and have virtual sex with each other, no I’d still want the hubby for that one, all up close and personal like.

But a single unit? Where instead of, or in addition to, watching internet porn, or reading about some horny slut getting it on with hot twin brothers, you could actually be virtually in that situation? Oh yeah, bring it on.

A way to experience any fantasy you had, be it being pulled over by that hot cop and handcuffed to his light bar, (I wrote that one- Please Officer, I’ll Do Anything :)) to well…anything? Without the possibility of pregnancy, disease, cheating, guilt, reputation or consequences? No fluffing, Viagra, or dating someone people think is your son? (Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!)

Of course, nothing is perfect, right?

There is a saying, “If men could lick themselves like dogs can, we’d never see most of them again.” People would be even more tied to their devices and never go outside. But honestly, if some people never left their house again, I’d be good with that. 🙂

And if it’s good enough for the goose, right? That means you’d have to be OK with your significant other using it as well. Maybe experiencing things you never even knew they thought about? Without you? But you could also link them together, right? Explore things together that maybe you wouldn’t really do in real life?

Maybe it would keep the sicko child molesters or rapists leashed to their machines? Or would it instead release a need for the real thing?

I don’t know. Any thoughts? If a virtual sex machine was readily available, like an erotic Xbox or something, would you get one? Pick your poison, your characters, your scenarios, plug it in, put on the helmet, brain stimulator, etc and experience everything you’ve ever watched, read about, fantasied?

Click to pick up FREE!
Click to pick up FREE!

Ok- quick plug: If you enjoyed Shared On My Husband’s Birthday, I wrote a quick little follow up, Shared 2-On My Birthday. It’s available now, and free on Amazon, through today, Tuesday June 10. Go get a freebie, on me!